{"id":18276,"date":"2024-08-30T14:07:19","date_gmt":"2024-08-30T14:07:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sandler.com\/?p=18276"},"modified":"2024-08-30T14:07:19","modified_gmt":"2024-08-30T14:07:19","slug":"sandler-hot-take-drama-drama-drama","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sandler.com\/blog\/sandler-hot-take-drama-drama-drama\/","title":{"rendered":"Sandler Hot Take: DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA (And What Sales Leaders Can Do About It)"},"content":{"rendered":"

David Mattson<\/strong><\/p>\n

Have you ever noticed how most issues that cause major problems in your world could have been solved faster, or avoided entirely, if there had just been solid communication up front? Have you ever wondered why that communication doesn’t happen?<\/p>\n

These are questions of deep interest to anyone whose goal is to make the sales team \u2013 or, frankly, any team — more resilient, productive, and successful. Effective leadership, after all, is all about lifting people up, as opposed to beating them down. But let\u2019s face it: it\u2019s hard for us to lift someone up when we\u2019re communicating at cross purposes with them about the situation they\u2019re facing.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m speaking purely as a pragmatist here. I\u2019m talking about what works, and what doesn\u2019t, in human relationships. If we don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on in someone else\u2019s world, then we can\u2019t expect to lead very effectively in that relationship \u2013 and by extension, we can\u2019t expect to lead a team effectively, or to lead an organization effectively. Why not? Because teams are composed of individuals.<\/p>\n

And if we\u2019re honest with ourselves, we\u2019re going to have to admit that there are plenty of situations where we don\u2019t really know much about what\u2019s going on in an individual team member\u2019s world, or we don’t see their world as they do. For whatever reason, our communication with that person isn\u2019t great. And sometimes, when we try to work with that team member to solve a problem, we end up making the communication even worse.<\/p>\n

So: Why is that?<\/p>\n

I believe the best answer to this question is much, much simpler than a lot of us imagine. The answer comes to us from the discipline of psychology. You don\u2019t have to have an advanced degree to understand this answer: it\u2019s just one word: drama<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHAT IS DRAMA?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Is drama the same as being outrageous? Is it the simple act of entertaining others? Is it showing up with some extreme emotional response to a problem? What exactly are we talking about here?<\/p>\n

According to Transactional Analysis, an enduring and influential movement in psychotherapy, all these popular understandings of the word \u201cdrama\u201d fall short.<\/p>\n

Transactional Analysis tells us about a definition of \u201cdrama\u201d that\u2019s a lot more useful for leaders (and everyone else). This definition was formalized by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the late 1960s. According to Karpman, drama is dysfunctional communication<\/em><\/strong> — nothing more and nothing less.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing to be frightened of in that formal-sounding word \u201cdysfunctional.\u201d All we are talking about here is \u201ccommunication that doesn\u2019t work\u201d \u2013 communication that doesn\u2019t solve problems, doesn\u2019t reveal what\u2019s important, doesn\u2019t deliver the outcomes we need to deliver if we expect to remove obstacles to performance, learn about ourselves and others, and grow as human beings.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE THREE BIG REASONS COMMUNICATION FAILS\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

According to Karpman, there are three big reasons human communication becomes dysfunctional. Karpman labels those reasons as follows: Persecutor mindset, Victim mindset, <\/em>and Rescuer mindset.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Taken together, these three mindsets form a famous social model of human interaction known as Karpman\u2019s Drama Triangle.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Karpman\u2019s three labels are important because they shine a bright spotlight on the specific headspaces that keep us from communicating authentically with each other. These three labels remind us of the three recurring actors in the long-running human drama of dysfunction \u2013 by which I mean the ongoing drama of communication strategies that just don\u2019t work, because they don\u2019t help us learn anything meaningful about a person or a situation.<\/p>\n

For decades, these three labels have been indispensable to therapists responsible for helping patients understand behavior and communication patterns that make situations worse, not better. Yet each of Karpman\u2019s definitions should probably come with a special warning for leaders. That warning might read as follows: Odds are, YOU are in one of these mindsets RIGHT NOW.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

That\u2019s the hard truth each of us face. And that hard truth points us toward the most important thing for us to fix at any given workplace discussion: our own drama. That\u2019s what matters. Not anything anyone else is doing. Our <\/em>mindset. Our <\/em>way of looking at any given problem. That\u2019s what will transform communication on our team. Nothing else.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE ONLY WAY TO WIN THE DRAMA GAME<\/strong><\/p>\n

Karpman, a psychotherapist, designed his model for other psychotherapists, so they could use it during therapy sessions. As leaders, though, we need to understand something experienced psychotherapists may grasp a bit more easily and intuitively than we do: Most human beings lapse into these three mindsets, and sometimes jump from one to another, with astonishing speed, typically without even realizing that\u2019s what they\u2019re doing. And in conversation, each mindset can perpetuate the other two, resulting in a dysfunctional communication cycle.<\/p>\n

We’re not therapists. It’s not our job to or identify complex emotional problems or treat mental illness. \u00a0But as sales leaders, we can help ourselves and our teams by understanding Karpman\u2019s simple core takeaway regarding dysfunctional communication. Karpman\u2019s big takeaway about the Drama Triangle is: The only way to win the Drama Triangle game is to make a conscious choice not to play \u2026 and then to defend that choice in both word and deed. \u00a0<\/strong>The martial arts star Bruce Lee made much the same point when he was asked about the best way to avoid a punch. His answer: \u201cBe somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n

That’s a choice. And a choice like that starts, as the song says, with the person in the mirror.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true: sometimes, people barely communicate. The reason<\/em> they don\u2019t communicate well is usually drama. And every time we bring drama to the table, we make the quality of workplace communication worse and set a dysfunctional example for those who look to us for leadership.<\/p>\n

Here’s the reality: Like everyone else, you and I spend a whole lot more time in the Drama Triangle than we\u2019re eager to admit to ourselves or to others.\u00a0 If we\u2019re serious about improving communication on our team, we can start by admitting that drama in the workplace happens a lot — and that we ourselves are often the reason it happens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

GETTING REAL ABOUT THE DRAMA TRIANGLE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Any time there\u2019s a problem to be solved or an interpersonal conflict to navigate, shifting into one of the points on the Drama Triangle is our automatic default setting. <\/em>Meaning: that mindset has become our instant reaction to conflict or stress. That mindset has become something that\u2019s programmed deep in our nervous system. The shift I’m talking about is nothing to be ashamed of. It\u2019s part of the human condition. The big question is, what are we going to do about it?\u00a0 How can we learn to recognize drama and disengage from it?<\/p>\n

If any of what I\u2019ve shared so far resonates with you, you may want to take fifteen minutes or so to answer the following questions in writing.<\/p>\n

I’d like to ask you to start by thinking about all the times you’ve seen or heard people complaining about a situation without taking any responsibility for any aspect of what was going on. Whatever it was, it just happened to them \u2013 unfairly. Can you picture that? Most leaders can.<\/p>\n

Now that you remember how often that happens, you’re ready for …<\/p>\n

QUESTION ONE: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I complained about something — anything — to another human being, without offering a possible solution to that challenge? <\/strong>Yes, \u201cjust blowing off steam\u201d counts.<\/p>\n

If so, when and how did this happen? Please try to list as many examples, in writing, as you can.<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Next, I’d like you to think of any times when you’ve seen someone \u201cjump in\u201d to “help” another team member — and even though they had good intentions, they made the problem worse. Can you think of any times that you had to undo what that \u201chelper\u201d had done \u2013 when fixing the damage they’d caused took more time than fixing the original problem would have taken you? Once you’ve recalled at least one situation like this, you’ll be ready for …<\/p>\n

QUESTION TWO: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I tried to earn “brownie points”<\/strong> with another human being by offering to right some (perceived) wrong in their world… for<\/em> them? <\/strong>By being the \u201chelper,\u201d throwing on my Superman cape, and claiming that I could fix the problem for them? As opposed to helping them find their own solution and learn from their own mistakes?<\/p>\n

If so, when and how did this happen? Again, please list as many examples as you can .\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, let me ask you this: Can you think of someone you’ve worked with (or for!) who always needed to be on offense? Who was quick to jump to the blame game? Most of us can. Once you have thought of such a person, you’ll be ready to answer …<\/p>\n

QUESTION THREE: Over the past 48 hours, in my written or verbal communication, have I gone into Critical Parent mode<\/strong> to assign blame to another human being, either to their face or via a third party? <\/strong>\u00a0In Transactional Analysis, the phrase \u201cCritical Parent\u201d refers to a state where an individual behaves in a judgmental, controlling, or authoritative manner, often mirroring the attitudes and behaviors of boundary-enforcing parental figures. In this mode, we may lay down rules, criticize, or impose their standards on others, often without empathy or consideration for their feelings. Every time we use the word \u201cshould\u201d to describe what someone else ought to do, for example, we\u2019re in Critical Parent mode.<\/p>\n

If so, when and how did this happen? Here again, please write down as many specific examples as possible.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHAT\u2019S YOUR<\/em> DEFAULT POSITION?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Welcome back.<\/p>\n

If you had the most examples in the first category, it\u2019s a good bet your default position on the Drama Triangle is the Victim mindset<\/strong>. You\u2019ve probably seen this mindset in your own team members. For instance, let\u2019s say someone on your team doesn\u2019t make enough calls to other departments to cross-sell. When you try to talk to them about this, they say things like, \u201cI wasn\u2019t hired to do that,\u201d or, \u201cThey never have time.\u201d All their agency, all their initiative, has somehow vanished. Things happen to <\/em>them, not because <\/em>of them. Now here\u2019s the question: Is there perhaps a similar pattern of victimization to look at in your own problem-solving responses?<\/p>\n

If most of your examples showed up in the second category, your default position may be the Rescuer mindset.<\/strong> Here again, you\u2019ve likely seen this dynamic play out on your own team. Is there someone on staff who\u2019s so eager to prove how smart, how well connected, and how competent they are that they quickly gobble up what could be \u201cteaching moments\u201d for less experienced employees? The rescuer on your team could also be someone who jumps in when another team member is being called out for a lack of business-development behavior. Or it could be the person who \u201ccan’t” fulfill their own business-development behavior targets, because they were “helping” someone else with a proposal or with busy work.\u00a0So: Is there something you might be able learn about setting aside your own Superman cape from this person\u2019s default Drama Triangle setting?<\/p>\n

If the third category was where most of your examples showed up, your default position is likely the Persecutor mindset.<\/strong> Is there someone on your team \u2013 perhaps a top performer \u2013 who hasn\u2019t yet mastered the art of compassionate communication with colleagues, support people, and\/or people who work in other departments? Who goes on the attack without knowing the details? Maybe stop and ask yourself what kind of example you’re setting for that contributor.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the point. Even if we don\u2019t think of ourselves as a Persecutor, Victim, or Rescuer — which we probably don\u2019t —we each have a favorite corner of the Drama Triangle that we retreat to<\/em>. <\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s because we\u2019re human. We\u2019re the stars of our own show, the protagonist, the \u201cgood guy,\u201d so we don\u2019t always recognize what\u2019s happening in the moment. Recognizing drama takes practice. But guess what? Drama has a way of happening, and messing up communication, whether we recognize it in the moment or not. That\u2019s reality.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, we can learn to win the Drama Triangle game any and every time it arises. All we have to do is get a little better, day by day, at deciding not to play. Once we make that decision, we make grownup communication possible, in the workplace and everywhere else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

David Mattson Have you ever noticed how most issues that cause major problems in your world could have been solved faster, or avoided entirely, if there had just been solid communication up front? Have you ever wondered why that communication doesn’t happen? These are questions of deep interest to anyone whose goal is to make…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":18283,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1120],"tags":[1024,1261,1338,1377,1366,1612],"class_list":["post-18276","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","tag-sales","tag-sales-communication","tag-sales-drama-triangle","tag-sales-leaders","tag-salespeople","tag-sandler-hot-take"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSandler Hot Take: DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA (And What Sales Leaders Can Do About It) - Sandler<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sandler hot take from Dave Mattson, who helps you identify drama and tactics for sales leaders to remove the drama.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/sandler.com\/blog\/sandler-hot-take-drama-drama-drama\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sandler Hot Take: DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA (And What Sales Leaders Can Do About It) - 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